I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
