Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize