The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
