so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize