Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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