i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
