um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
