I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
