She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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