stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
