omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
do nipples grow back?
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