Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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