imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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