Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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