if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
