I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This toilet bowl is my home.
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