And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
