I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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