Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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