wanna go halves on a baby?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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