just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
