Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i think i just lost a toe
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
