I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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