your room smells of hookers.
And success
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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