how do flat chested girls get laid?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize