We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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