Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
