Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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