Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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