I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
