when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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