if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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