dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think my nap took me to another dimension
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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