I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Randomize
