is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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