in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
