I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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