It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
