hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
