just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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