...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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