if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
