He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
