oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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