My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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