Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
