I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
