Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Non-Jews are for practice
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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