Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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