im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
