Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
