He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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