life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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