After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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