I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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