Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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