thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
